For myself it was another year of plodding on through what life had to bring its way, what seemed to be a 24/7 working pattern, trying to combat my own illnesses and look after those close to me.
Some years ago I sadly lost my mom quite suddenly from a Stroke, aged 50, just a couple of months after my first child was born and the week of the Christening. My mom was my world and my rock and her loss was too great for me to cope with. At the time I couldn't see this and over focused, as anyone would, on our new baby and getting my dad and younger brother through the nightmare we were all in, ignoring the signs and advice I was receiving from loved ones. I left it too late really to be treated for depression which made it much harder for me to overcome but with help and encouragement I was heading in the right direction.
Unfortunately after a couple more years my dad began showing signs of illness, first a mild heart attack followed later by late stage Cancer (Hodgkins Lymphoma). This was an enormous battle for him as he tackled the disease and the effects of Chemo, constantly in and out of hospital, but I made sure, as his daughter and carer, that I was there by his side every step of the way and we we're both amazed when he was eventually told the Cancer had gone into remission. A month later, after tests, we we're then told that he was suffering from unrelated terminal Lung Disease. Already exhausted from the first battle dad tried with all his strength to show the doctors they were wrong but sadly this wasn't the case as the disease progressed and he died a couple of years later.
Having already struggled with my depression, I again continued the cycle of putting that aside to be there every minute my dad needed me, things began to deteriorate rather quickly but there was no way I was going to let my dad see what was happening, this could be managed another time when I could fit it in, not now. I continued working, caring for my dad every day and trying to get through life as best I could, even though we had a few other major problems going on as well. Friends, colleagues and family constantly advised me to get help but I thought I could handle it even though I knew deep down I was close to the edge. Unfortunately my body decided for me and I suffered a severe mental breakdown which had me under constant watch at home for some months. The biggest thing that breaks my heart is that my dad had to see me this way in the end and in his final year I wasn't able to give him a 100% of the help and care he needed. Following this was the slow uphill battle of severe depression helped with various treatment and therapy and gradually over the years has become manageable to a point that I now feel the time is right and I am ready to live like I should be, but it is easier said than done.
So every new year I am always asked what my new year resolutions are and I always think I have made some but they never seem result it anything. This year is going to be different, I want to concentrate on the one thing I have neglected. in my mind, all those years and be there for my husband and children and just be a normal mom doing normal mom chores and just being there for them. To do this is going to be a major hurdle in my recovery but I am determined, no more 'mom's too busy' 'mom's not feeling well' 'moms working'. To be continued and hopefully in 2014 I can say just how different things have been.
Sharon x
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