For myself it was another year of plodding on through what life had to bring its way, what seemed to be a 24/7 working pattern, trying to combat my own illnesses and look after those close to me.
Some years ago I sadly lost my mom quite suddenly from a Stroke, aged 50, just a couple of months after my first child was born and the week of the Christening. My mom was my world and my rock and her loss was too great for me to cope with. At the time I couldn't see this and over focused, as anyone would, on our new baby and getting my dad and younger brother through the nightmare we were all in, ignoring the signs and advice I was receiving from loved ones. I left it too late really to be treated for depression which made it much harder for me to overcome but with help and encouragement I was heading in the right direction.
Unfortunately after a couple more years my dad began showing signs of illness, first a mild heart attack followed later by late stage Cancer (Hodgkins Lymphoma). This was an enormous battle for him as he tackled the disease and the effects of Chemo, constantly in and out of hospital, but I made sure, as his daughter and carer, that I was there by his side every step of the way and we we're both amazed when he was eventually told the Cancer had gone into remission. A month later, after tests, we we're then told that he was suffering from unrelated terminal Lung Disease. Already exhausted from the first battle dad tried with all his strength to show the doctors they were wrong but sadly this wasn't the case as the disease progressed and he died a couple of years later.
Having already struggled with my depression, I again continued the cycle of putting that aside to be there every minute my dad needed me, things began to deteriorate rather quickly but there was no way I was going to let my dad see what was happening, this could be managed another time when I could fit it in, not now. I continued working, caring for my dad every day and trying to get through life as best I could, even though we had a few other major problems going on as well. Friends, colleagues and family constantly advised me to get help but I thought I could handle it even though I knew deep down I was close to the edge. Unfortunately my body decided for me and I suffered a severe mental breakdown which had me under constant watch at home for some months. The biggest thing that breaks my heart is that my dad had to see me this way in the end and in his final year I wasn't able to give him a 100% of the help and care he needed. Following this was the slow uphill battle of severe depression helped with various treatment and therapy and gradually over the years has become manageable to a point that I now feel the time is right and I am ready to live like I should be, but it is easier said than done.
So every new year I am always asked what my new year resolutions are and I always think I have made some but they never seem result it anything. This year is going to be different, I want to concentrate on the one thing I have neglected. in my mind, all those years and be there for my husband and children and just be a normal mom doing normal mom chores and just being there for them. To do this is going to be a major hurdle in my recovery but I am determined, no more 'mom's too busy' 'mom's not feeling well' 'moms working'. To be continued and hopefully in 2014 I can say just how different things have been.
Sharon x
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Life, it sure isn't easy. Lost my Mom exactly one Month after my first Grandson was born...she never got to see him. This year was hard loosing my Husband, but Life goes on. Wishing you the best in this New Year!! God Bless
ReplyDeleteMaureen I am truly sorry to hear of your loss and yes you are so right 'Life Does Go On' and we should enjoy every day we are given, even on dark days to be able to lift ourselves up would be an achievement in its own right.
DeleteYou just never know what someone is dealing ith do you? Praying that 2013 is your year and you are able to find some healing and quality time with your family!!! Happy New Year!
ReplyDeleteThank you Sharon x I hope and wish that what I am feeling right now will carry through all year through xx
DeleteSharon, I consider myself fortunate to have 'met' you, as you are one tough lady! Knowing what you have now shared, I believe it is definitely your time, your year, to shine in whatever you do. I wish you and your family a very peaceful and productive 2013!
ReplyDeleteI so hope you are right Ruth and thanku so much for your kind words. It was quite hard to write but much more harder to share, it just felt the time was right to open up xx
ReplyDeleteI understand, Sharon, and again, I am honored to be your friend. You can do this ... And when you feel you cannot ... call on a friend.
DeleteOh <3. I understand more than you know, and you know quite a lot =) I've shared your struggles with depression, however I've never been faced with a loss during my worst down times. Someone that does not suffer cannot understand how impairing a simple word can be, and I applaud you for taking a stand, putting in your time healing and being ready to LIVE! I am so hopeful and excited for you, and I hope to share and continue to be inspired by your path this year!
ReplyDeleteThanku Cindy xx I think there is a lot of stigma attached to the word 'depression' as it is used so freely in everyday life and the real sense of the word gets lost. As you sadly know there is no control over it and when that dark cloud decides to come over us it is extremely difficult to pull ourselves out of it xx
DeleteIt is impossible for us to know the burden that another bears even if we walk beside them each day; I am astounded that you have carried all of this weight and walked this journey. I am praying for you, that God grant you the strength and clarity to go on, and that he make your burden light.
ReplyDeleteYour kind words are lovely Elizabeth and thanku from the bottom of my heart. Making it lift gently away is something I am truly hoping for.
DeleteWay to go for recognizing and reacting to what you're feeling! You'll be in my thoughts and prayers as you focus on you and your family this year (and, of course, the years to come). Thank you for sharing this with your blogging community - you're right, often there is a stigma attached to the word depression and it can be overused but under-treated.
ReplyDeleteThanku Michelle, it's really hard to share as sometimes opening up can cause it all to worsen again but having it out there to all my friends is a way for me to keep motivated in trying to live the life I truly want to have. xx
DeleteSharon, I am so sorry to hear of all your losses and struggles. I, too, once had a bad bout of depression. It can be overcome. Take time to heal, be gentle on yourself, and know that your dad loved you, despite the struggles you were having. I wish you strength and peace for the new year. Thanks for sharing your story.
ReplyDeleteThanku Ann for your kind words, it has been a long battle already trying to overcome it but I am determined to be able to live without it eventually xx
DeleteYes, a personal post.
ReplyDeleteWe all have so many different things of dealing with things.
I don't suffer from depression but once of my goals this year is to be a better wife. We've not even been married 2 years yet but I'm failing.
Life is so fast paced that we tend to forget the important things. Your not alone Marsha, your half way there now you have recognized it. xx
DeleteI love your goal! That is one of mine for sure. TO just be there for children and be available. Even though I am home with them 24/7 sometimes it seems there is always "work" to do. I want to be more focused.
ReplyDeleteI know its always too easy to say 'in a minute' or 'later'. Good Luck Amy xx
DeleteYou are a strong person, recognizing that you have needs and your dedication to your family is admirable. I hope that 2013 is wonderful for you, but I think with your mentality it has to be.
ReplyDeleteI wish I felt strong in the times I need to be, if I every the need I going to come to this post and reflect on everyones kind words. Thanku V xx
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